'You're worth more than you think'

Don't let anyone tell you that putting your eggs in one basket makes you less valuable

In last week’s essay I talked about understanding that as small as you may seem in a world of billions of people, you are valuable to the God who created you.

And so this is a part two of sorts. There’s a preconception that unless you are ‘putting yourself out there’ whether that’s personally or professionally, that you are of very little value indeed. Drawing attention to yourself whether on LinkedIn or Hinge (dating app example) is considered the best way to show your value; by putting yourself in the public eye in the most appealing way possible.

I disagree.

This will come as no suprise to any of you who know what I have eschewed social media for peace of mind for more than a few years now, and you might say I have “suffered” for it because I have not received the opportunities many of my peers have having decided to do the opposite. That’s on me. However, when a male friend told me recently that my (misplaced) loyalty (intimacy) to one person was actually potentially devaluing me, I was pissed off. Highly.

Since my most read essay is the one in which I talk about being dumped - So you got dumped… now what? - I decided to focus on this area of value for this essay. The full truth is that this was the first person I have loved and been loved by since my ex-husband and not only has our on-off relationship unexpectedly continued since this initial break-up, I have not even kissed anyone else since I met this person almost three years ago.

The few people in my life who know that (including the aforementioned ex-partner), have responded with surprise that someone ‘as beautiful and social’ as me, apparently, has stayed loyal to someone who has not remained loyal to me. And it is this that caused my male friend to tell me that this has in fact, made me less valuable as a romantic partner.

Without going into detail as to exactly why I stayed with this person so much longer than he and I expected, please know that it was not without reason. Having been loved and married, I know what that looks like and though that ended, I know what it felt like at its healthy stage. The issue here is that the trials of life made me weary and exhausted about dating. But at no point did I feel the urge to do what many others are advised to do and often act upon which is to, ‘get under someone to get over someone’. (That’s a lie, there was this one guy but God cock-blocked me hard on it.) And if you can date like that, then kudos to you my friend; you are far more prepared for this world than I am.

After calling it quits with this partner so many times, I find myself properly single yet again and with no “prospects” as my fellow Jane Austen fans might deduce. And in hindsight it does look as though those years were wasted as I waited for him to get his act together and make good of what he expressed he knew he had.

However, though I am not a virgin - nor, since you asked, would I wish to be - I do think that some of my Christian upbringing in that area has influenced my loyalty to one man. For a long time it has been on my heart to be with one man, not several at a time until one becomes more valuable than the others. I don’t date like that; I don’t know how to.

And important to note that my default response to a heart-breaking break up, is not to show myself in my best light to him through any means possible. And that’s because he already saw me. Truly saw me. Instead, I have blocked him from contacting me because that feels safer (emotionally safe I mean; I want to make clear that he was never a physical threat). He doesn’t get to see the best of me because he already had that and in his own way, rejected it.

Not long after I met my now ex-husband, he messaged me saying he just wanted to check if I was ‘seeing anyone else’ because he ‘wanted to make sure there was no one else to contented with when I get down on one knee’. I laughed at the time because it was early early days. But we were both on the same page when it came to how we dated and it was exclusively. I wish it were that easy now; alas apparently multiple dating partners is the way forward for most people and who can blame the player, right?

But if you’re reading this, and you have had a similar experience of loyalty - whether apparently misplaced or not - please know that you are of no less value just because you decided to put all your eggs in one basket. It’s not the message of the world and unfortunately things often don’t work out the way we would love, but it’s okay.

This doesn’t negate your worth; not in the slightest. We live and we learn.

Love to you.

Tola x

On my playlist right now… 👇🏾

PS - I’ve now turned subscriptions back on so you can support my writing with just the price of one flat white per month!

I’m  the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my first book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' (SPCK) is out now.