‘Why does God keep c-blocking me?’

He has chased away every guy that wasn’t for me and I’m trying not to be mad about it

I know, I know. The headline, right? But if this is your first rodeo, let me tell you now that potentially risque content is very much on brand for me. And if you don’t know what c-blocking means, here’s the definition. Still not convinced? Stay with me.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love. The last person I was in love with was my ex-husband and our love story ended years ago. I’ve publicly shared how, right in the middle of a beautiful moment of “intimacy” with an ex-boyfriend from a few years ago, I asked him if he loved me. He replied, ‘Not really.’ And later, when I pulled him up about it, he protested and said, ‘Well I didn’t say no!’ (True story.) Luckily I wasn’t in love with him either so I can recall it as a very funny moment in my relationship experience. But I love being in love. So why haven’t I found it?

In 2016 I was filmed by First Dates producers and was recorded live to go on the show. But they said they couldn’t find me a match.

In 2017 I joined Guardian Soulmates and they liked my profile so much they used my photo in all their digital advertising campaigns. Friends sent screenshots of the sidebar ads in which my smiling face appeared to be one click away regardless of where you were in the country.

In 2018 I met a guy at a networking event. I told him I liked his ink and later found out from the organiser where he worked. I then did some careful stalking and found his email address. I emailed him, asked him out and he replied straight away saying yes and that he was flattered I’d tracked him down. On our first date I found out that he was a cocaine user who didn’t want to date a Christian, “because of our different worldviews”.

In 2019 I was in touch with the team behind Blind Date who seemed keen to find me a date but then...nothing.

In 2020 I met a man who told me he thought he could see a future with me but who later revealed he was going back to an ex-girlfriend.

So far so single. Last year, I started a series called “Why am I single” on Instagram and my DMs were flooded by single people sharing similar experiences. These were not entry-level teenagers trying to find someone to marry before they “burned with passion”. Most of them were “seasoned singles” who had had their share of relationship mishaps and were honestly trying to move forward having learned from those experiences. As a Christian I always say, and believe, that God orders my steps. So it stands to reason that He can just as easily block them too. In theory, I am fine with this because I also believe that God works all things out for my good and that He has amazing things in store for me that I cannot even dream of. Excellent news for future me but um, what about right now, God?

Last week I jumped on a relationship podcast featuring a self-proclaimed love coach. I was intrigued by what she had to say about dating and relationships in the Church and, more selfishly, what advice she had for me. I won’t give anything away but one thing that stuck with me was her comment that most people just need support along the journey. It’s not that they are woefully unqualified to date (whatever that means) or that there is something lacking. Often, she said, her work is about helping people who have become tired of waiting. Those who were slowly becoming insecure from a steady stream of (what often feels like) rejection. A lot of the work she does is in helping reaffirm people so that they are enjoying the journey they’re on and putting less pressure on dating. 

Whether you’re single or not, I hope you can reject the damaging narrative that single people who want to be in relationships are only single because they are doing something wrong. And for those of us who are just waiting and trusting God to direct our steps, I genuinely believe that God shields us from the “wrong” people; those who might turn out to be bad news for us in the long term. The ex who refused to be in love with me was quite open about the fact that he didn’t read (which is beyond wild to me) and told me his family was racist. So while we had fun together, there probably wasn’t ever a sustainable version of that relationship.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. And you know what else is wonderful? Being able to make star shapes in bed without anyone getting in the way and not having to share your favourite packet of crisps/biscuits/sweets with anyone else. It’s (almost) the season to be jolly, folks! And finding joy is important whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Doll x