‘I used to want to take over the world’

Anyone else wondering what our teen selves would say about where we are now?

Shot: Me at 18, on a girls’ holiday, ready to take over the world…

---

Last week I received a press release listing the top ten things people said they would, in retrospect, say to their younger selves. I rolled my eyes a bit when I read the heading; not because I hated the suggestions, but because this is always the narrative when it comes to life lessons. We’re always asking people about their past and thinking about how we could have done things differently. In my book, I talk about doing this exercise the other way around. Instead of thinking about what you would tell a younger version of yourself, how about digging deep to consider what your younger self would say to you now? 

I had a lot of responses to last week’s newsletter about me “shooting my shot” and I was surprised at how many of you were really rooting for my elusive target. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted!) One of my friends said she loved how differently I react to relationship rejection now, compared with how I would have handled it even just a few years ago. I was still thinking about how true this was when I had a random onslaught of old photos from my Pops via WhatsApp and one of them really caught my attention. It was from my 18th birthday. About 20 of us - a mixture of friends from school, church and family - spent all day at a theme park. In the picture, we are standing around with our arms thrown around each other while awkwardly as teenagers used to (this is before IG and Tik Tok showed us how to stay camera ready). And in the front, in his trademark pose is my beautiful boyfriend; let’s call him Jacob. 

It’s weird how the brain filters out certain information but while I remember my school days pretty well, I had completely forgotten about Jacob. I met him at a bowling alley where I got a weekend job when I was about 17.  He was the best looking guy on my team and he was so friendly everyone liked him. As I looked at the photo, I remembered that I wanted him as my boyfriend and wasted no time in making that happen! Before him, I had made the only guy in my youth group my boyfriend and we were on and off for about two years. That ended in heartache but I remain the only girl he dated from church and I’m pretty sure the only Black girl he ever dated - I was the exception to his rule it seems. As soon as I got to university I quickly left my beautiful and sweet but too reliant on weed boyfriend behind and got into a (toxic) relationship with a guy about seven years older than me.

You might be wondering why I’m telling you all this; it's because this one photo made me realise that younger me had GAME. I was quiet and sensitive as a child but between the ages of about 16 and 21, I thought I was amazing (lol). Unfortunately, my first s_xual experience ended up in a forced abortion and the immense sadness and guilt that came with that sent me running back to the Church and finally, to God. I became what I call a “proper Christian” after university but what I realise now is that I lost the sass and determination of my teenage self. I thought being a Christian was all about being good and docile. For a woman anyway. In my forced attempt at humility, I realise I cancelled the old me. This is fine if you are trying to do away with bad habits, and I had plenty of those but really, you should never cancel yourself. The thing with Christianity is it’s a relationship with God, not a set of rules and regulations which you have to follow to make yourself “right” with God. The way you begin to change is inwardly through maintaining that relationship through prayer, worship and reading the Bible. It is not through trying to change your character to fit in line with those you see around you who seem to live perfect lives and never do anything wrong. (Spoiler alert: These people do not exist; everyone makes mistakes.) 

I may have had some insecurities back then but what is clear is that I absolutely went after what I wanted - and I usually got it. And I’m not just talking about relationships. My uncle told me not too long ago that what he remembers most about me as a child is that I ‘wanted to take over the world’. When I was younger I wanted to be a journalist and editor - have done both. I also wanted to write a book - my first book came out last year and I am on my way to writing another. But recently I’ve felt a bit stuck with considering what’s next. I can’t imagine that version of me now, who has been lost somewhere along the way as the reality of life has thrown its punches. In reflecting, I realise that I miss that confidence and the wild me who had such plans for her future - how ever impossible they may have looked at the time.

I’m sure she would have a lot to say about  where I am now. Would she be proud? Well yes, probably. But she would probably also give me a kick up the bum in other areas; encouraging me to still go after what I want. Yes, wisdom does come with age but enthusiasm is almost always much stronger when we’re younger. So what would your teenage self be saying to you now?

Doll x

A bit about me...my full name is Tola-Doll Fisher (known to my friends as "Doll"). I’m the editor of Premier Woman Alive magazine, a writer, speaker and model. In 2020 I published my first book Still Standing - 100 Lessons From An Unsuccessful Life. I’m an opinion columnist for The Independent Voices and HuffPost UK and contributed to the 40 Acts Campaign in 2016 and 2017. In 2018 I delivered a TEDx Talk called “Debunking the Myth of Success”.  I’m quite often found speaking about God, s_x and relationships, grief, loss and lingerie - sometimes, but usually not, at the same time.

I hope to inspire women (and men, but particularly women) through accessible faith and I focus on finding joy despite not winning at life or being a "girl boss". Amongst other things, I am most proud of skiing in a bikini at the end of my ski season and being able to do dancer's pose in 5-inch heels.