‘So I shot my shot, and this is what happened’
How I’ve learned to move on from relationship rejection
I inadvertently asked someone out the other day. It was a gamble, and I thought I had read the signs correctly. But embarrassingly, he hasn’t responded. After the initial flurry of excitement at my daring, the two friends who know about it have carefully avoided asking me whether he has replied. What a disaster. And yet readers, it’s not my first.
I’ve always gone after exactly what I wanted in life and this has carried over into my dating life. While not always “successful” (watch my TEDx, The Myth of Success, to find out why I think we misuse this word), it hasn’t stopped me trying. The girl power energy of my childhood encouraged me that in an equal world, women get to do the chasing too. Lucky us.
In my teens, as a tall gangly Black girl, I never received much attention in the area of dating. It was easy to internalise this rejection as a race issue, growing up in a mostly white area of London’s suburbs. But my Black friends with their long swishy weaves and impeccable doll-like make-up were also making more headway than me in the way of relationship status. In contrast, my long slim legs and non-existent bum did nothing to endear me to boys brought up on an “MTV diet of thick thighs and ass”. I went to university hoping to make a fresh start but upon attending my first African-Caribbean Society meeting, was told I was “too white”, lol. Can’t win.
Maybe I’m just not very good at picking. A few years ago while at a media event for Christian press, I swooped in on what looked like the worship leader of my dreams. Turns out he was the only person in the room who wasn’t a Christian and he also wasn’t interested in dating someone who was. Around the same time, I crossed paths with an Irish hunk of a man and we even circled back to each other to exchange numbers. When he eventually got in touch it was to say he had recently started seeing someone and thought he had better focus on that and see where it was going rather than “pursue something new with a beautiful girl I’ve just met”. So many of us have these dating stories. Wrong person, wrong timing, wrong place. Lessons in rejection are hard won.
At 5’11, it has been easy to hide this feeling of a lack of self-worth. Mumma comes from Nigerian royalty and her family are basically snobs (sorry fam but this is no word of a lie) so she made a point of making sure her children knew how to carry themselves. I even remember her telling me off when I would slouch down in photos so I could be the same height as my shorter friends. People have told me the reason I’m single is because I look too tall and too independent. And this has always baffled me because I can’t change my height and I’m independent because I don’t have someone to depend on.
In my current season of post-chemo life, dating hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind but I have been open to meeting someone, so when I (thought I) did, I hesitated very briefly before reaching out to shoot my shot. In the hours after I posted the message I was so busy at work I actually forgot about it. The next day when I checked that account and realised he still hadn’t replied, the embarrassment I mentioned in my intro to this piece came flooding in. That quickly dissipated into irritation. How dare he not respond! Doesn’t he know who I am?! But then the day after that, (today), I just feel kind of...over it.
Once upon a time I would have seen this as one of two things: a) a rejection of me or b) a complete misreading of the signs. The newly aware and healed version of me recognises that in this case, neither of these things are true. First of all, this cannot be a rejection of me, because this guy doesn’t know me. And secondly, I have a very trusty gut which has a track record of correctly reading the signs. (Even if I’ve ignored it plenty of times over the years.) I know for a fact that some men are very good at giving off an air of availability and then reigning it in when they can’t follow it up. An ex-boyfriend of mine did it just the other day. I’ve watched friends (and if I’m honest, myself) agonise over messages and replay conversations wondering what they’ve missed or why they have suddenly been ghosted. I could give 100 reasons as to why this guy hasn’t responded but I’ve decided not to waste my time. One way or another, he will give me an answer. Either by a late reply which will have to come with a reasonable explanation, or his silence, which will be the most telling of all. But for the stressful wait in between, wondering what’s going on his end? It’s a no from me.
Doll x