'My ex, the boomerang’
Either the s_x was that good or there really is something about soul ties
I first learned about s_x and soul ties in my early twenties. I was part of a church-cum-cult and had become somewhat over-zealous about purity culture. On my then fairly new blog, ChristCouture.co.uk I talked about the long-lasting connections we inadvertently make when our bodies are intertwined, and the dangers of having too many of them. A couple of years later, when the man who was to become my husband showed interest in me, I told him that the next man I dated would be the one I planned to marry. No pressure. Luckily it turned out he did want to marry me - albeit temporarily as it turned out - so I stopped fretting about intimacy.
There’s a lot of talk about soul ties in the Church, it’s part of the conversation around keeping churgoers away from s_xual immorality. But if you’re not familiar, here’s a break down: Premarital sex - why are Christians so strongly against it? I’ve heard soul ties being described using the analogy of glue, which becomes less sticky the more often it is used, leaving a little bit of itself behind each time. And apparently an interesting science also occurs when we have multiple partners. Psychiatrist Dr Daniel G. Amen is quoted as having said the following in his US bestseller Change Your Mind,Change Your Life: ‘Whenever a person is s_xually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their briains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Limbic bonding is the reason casual s_x doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level’. And apparently women have a larger limbic system than men which would explain why we generally seem to fall harder.
Unfortunately, as the above spoiler alert indicates, a divorce meant I was forced to start over and had to consider the cost of being intimate outside of marriage. In 2019 I finally met someone I thought I could see a future with. I was wary, having been married before, but he articulated his high intent pretty early on and although I found him puppy-like in his declarations, I was pleased to be the object of someone’s affection again. We had discussed my faith and I had given him the same spiel as I had my ex-husband, but things were different now. Having experienced regular, church-approved, relationship s_x and really enjoyed it, I was less willing to wait for it. Abstaining from s_x felt like an ancient concept conjured to keep excitable young ladies from sowing their wild eggs (like their male peers were encouraged to do with abandon). So I told him I wanted to wait, and he said fine. Then I said I was kind of okay with not waiting if he was okay with it. He said fine. (Lol)
The s_x was good between us. It got to the point where I was pretty sure I could summon him whenever I wanted and I thought I was in control…until I wasn’t. And when I realised this, the ground I stood on began to feel very shaky indeed. A writer on Medium describes her own experience of being similar to that of a drug addict. And I can definitely identify with that. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. But the more I got to know him, the more the prospect of a future together seemed shaky. So I broke it off and said I didn’t want to get entangled. He told me he felt the same. A few months passed and we reconnected online - you know how it is, a simple ‘like’ on your picture here, a flirty comment there - and so predictably, we ended up sleeping together again. And again. And again. Until one time, for the first time ever, we ran out of condoms and I realised this was getting to be a very dangerous game. So I ended it properly this time. Removed him (without his knowledge) from my social media and deleted the photos and messages that reminded me of “us”. I was done.
A few days ago, someone made a comment that made me think of him and I had a fleeting thought that if I were to summon him to me now, he would probably still come even though it has been ages since we were last in touch. But the thought quickly passed and I promptly forgot about him. Later that evening - bam! - a message arrived in my inbox. I blinked twice at the name that came up on my phone screen. Does he work for Apple? How on earth did he know he’d crossed my mind?? His message was light and airy: ‘Hey!’ ‘How are things!’ ‘You’re looking well!’. I replied, affirming the latter and half an hour later he messaged again. I didn’t reply. Then came another message. It’s amazing how much he thinks we suddenly have to talk about, given our untroubled lack of contact for so long. It made me think about my ex-husband, who, even after he filed for divorce, would pop up from time to time out of the blue. The ‘Hey you’ and ‘What are you up to these days?’ one liners appeared, unrequested, in my mailbox and I blame these interruptions for the length of time it has taken me to get over him. Every new message was like a jolt back to the past and what we had - as well as hope for the future we could have had. I made a decision a while ago to push past this and have been able to ignore recent attempts at contact but in hindsight, he was probably just responding to a well-honed soul tie.
My recent ex, who told me back then that he planned to return to restore a relationship with his ex, seems to be doing the same. His last message to me was between the sacred hours of midnight and 5am. We are both in our 30s. If you don’t have children the only reason you’re up and messaging someone at that time is to communicate an accident or a booty call. I don’t know if he’s still with the ex he told me about. That’s none of my business really. And I’m also not going to bother going through an explanation with him about why I don’t want to stay in contact. I know myself, and honestly, I’m weak! I have pushed through a lot this year including an aggressive cancer diagnosis, but the Bible says to flee temptation not turn around and fight it. Probably because God knows what happens when humans look temptation in the eye. If you’ve never had/aren’t that fussed about s_x then insert your favourite but probably toxic cake/tipple/pastime here. Flee. Flee. Flee! God knows I do not need this boomerang to come back.
Doll x
PS. I made light of this, but if you really are struggling with soul ties, this video will help.