'I speak, therefore I am’

I may not be where I want to be, but I know where I’m going

Last weekend one of my best friends got engaged, in another country, to a man she has known less than six months. (And neither of them needed access to the other’s passport credentials.)

As long as I’ve known J, she has sent me a steady stream of what she calls “God love stories”; tales of love after loss, unexpected love and long-awaited love. Her excitement as she relayed each one showed a deep faith that one day, she would have her own. So when she shared hers, just over a week ago, I was elated for her but not surprised. This is where her head and heart had been focused. The years of waiting had been years of expectation. And although it took much longer than she had thought, she received the expected end - her own “God love story”. (You can read it via her IG here.)

When I talk about faith in this way, I’m not talking about faith in a religion. I’m talking about a strong, unshakeable, unwavering belief in something being a sure thing in your life. One of my friends recently said she liked the way I said, “yet”, when talking about a situation I was hoping for but had not yet seen. I hadn’t thought too deeply about it but I guess it’s an indication that I’m expectant about seeing it happen. Even if it seems to take forever to come to fruition.

In the last newsletter I talked about grappling with prayer and understanding that God isn’t sitting around waiting to grant us three wishes. In my experience, our “answers” to prayer don’t always come in the way we expect. I’ve experienced something like that in my current situation. Pretty sure they’re not allowed to ask but in past job interviews I’ve responded to questions about how much sick leave I’ve taken in previous roles with: ‘I don’t get sick’. And I didn’t, for many years. So to have been “sick” for most of 2021 has been pretty off-piste for me. What has been strange though is how well I’ve been amongst the sickness. 

When I first went to hospital with my huge distended tummy back in March (which my consultant later found to be a cancerous tumour), I was asked how I had come to hospital and I said I had walked - an hour there and later an hour back. I took the bus to start treatment and at every check up, my oncology team has expressed surprise at how well my body is coping. I don’t claim to have some secret knowledge of healing or perfect health - clearly - but I do know this, I expect my body to be well. When I used to set off for my hour-and-a-half walk to work during the pandemic in 2020, I went knowing I would walk the whole way. There was no plan B. I expected my body to carry me there and back. And it did.

I’ve been a Christian pretty much my whole life but I’m only recently learning to think outside of traditional church doctrine to understand that there are some things which are just part of how this world has been created; they’re not exclusive to any particular sect or religion. But there are words in the Bible that back up this particular revelation. It says in Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Disclaimer: I’m not a theologian and I’m sure there are many interpretations of this, but for me it’s clear. If you keep reinforcing something, you’ll end up seeing that become your reality. I know people who, for years, have answered that standard greeting of, ‘How are you?’ with ‘Oh I’m so tired’. And over those same years, I have watched them exist in a constant position of fatigue. Not that we should deny our very real feelings, but the wording in this scripture says “those who love it”; those who repeatedly proclaim something. You’re setting a precedent for how things will always be. 

Hollywood shared this to the masses via the 2011 film, The Help, where the nanny made a point of building up the children in her care by reinforcing positive affirmations daily. Why does it make a difference what we constantly hear or listen to? Because somehow - and I have no idea how it works because I am not a scientist nor am I God - our bodies and in wider cases, our lives, respond to it. Isn’t that wild??

When we’re in or facing difficult situations, it’s all too easy to speak and think along the same lines. And while I will reiterate that it’s important to be able to be honest about how we’re feeling, I wonder if articulating what we actually want, would be a much more valuable way to do life.

Doll x

PS. Sorry to have missed last week’s newsletter. I was completely wiped out by the second cycle of chemotherapy. Thank you all for loving, praying and feeding me back to good health :)