'I can’t afford to get married'

Couples everywhere are putting relationship dreams on hold for the sake of a Hallmark wedding

Unlike many of my friends, I did not grow up imagining my wedding day; with dreams of a big white dress and prince on horseback. (No, this is not an old fashioned reference, many people do in fact incorporate a horse and carriage into their special day – have you never watched Don’t Tell The Bride?)

My parents hit the divorce button when I was about four and my “when I grow up” dreams mainly centred on what I would do career-wise. Seeing my well-educated mum navigate several different careers in order to give us the best lives and education possible, is what moved me. As a teenager, my focus was on being a magazine editor and not necessarily on being a wife.

Like many of my friends, I assumed I would get married at some point. And when my boyfriend became my fiancé, I threw myself into wedding planning with the same high level of enthusiasm I have for everything else I take on. I researched weddings as if it was a work assignment and booked free tickets to every bridal fair I could find.

I looked up wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, flower girl dresses, wedding shoes, wedding rings, wedding day jewellery, flowers, veils, wedding lingerie (obvs) favours, bridesmaid gifts, hen dos, invitation designs, wedding registry (gift lists), colour themes, venues, caterers, music, decorations, wedding planners, photographers, wedding speeches.. The list seemed – and often is – endless.

My husband was very much a ‘whatever you want darling’ type man and I appreciated this, as someone who has alive and thriving princess syndrome, but I felt the pressure of creating this perfect day for us, our family, our friends, our church and, I’ll be honest, for the Gram. Ironically, the only thing I hadn’t considered on my long “to do list” was the wedding certificate, AKA the only legal thing required to be married. Lol.

So I’m divorced as many of you know, but I plan on a round two at some point and while I think a second wedding should have a bit less hype, anyone who attended my 30th will know that “scaled down” is not really on brand for me. Recently, I was chatting with a friend who is getting married this year about all of the above wedding stuff and ended up getting lost in a Pinterest paradise of wedding paraphernalia that had me identifying exactly what type of wedding I want for Wedding number 2. And that wedding looks big and extravagant and aesthetically pleasing. And expensive. (Spoiler alert if you want one, Google “Solange wedding” for my inspiration board)

Here’s what gave me a reality check.

I’ve heard so many couples say ‘Oh we can’t afford to get married’ And I want to ask, ‘What do you mean?’ But I know what they mean. And what they mean, is that they can’t afford to have a wedding.

They can’t afford to hire a space big enough for their 300 guests, including relatives they haven’t seen since childhood and could care less that they even exist never mind that they are getting married. They can’t afford the £90 a head fee for the three-course meal and canapés, the £2k photographer, the £3k flowers, the venue seen in Brides magazine, the tribute band that your cousin’s boyfriend’s sister had at her wedding and plays all your favourite songs, the string quartet to entertain your guests while you’re getting your hair and make-up done by a stranger who knows not your skin nor your hair and for an exorbitant cost, who will doubtless create a vision of you that you will never again be able to replicate – whether you want to or not. They can’t afford the personalised favours, hen and stag dos abroad and the rings. (Thank you Hallmark.)

These well-meaning couples are talking about meeting grandiose societal expectations of a performance; a show, a tantalising spectacle to be talked about for years after and admired by your friends, family and followers. And look, I love a fancy wedding as much as the next nosy guest but is it really worth it? Every bride I’ve ever heard about wants something unique and ground-breaking for their wedding but honestly? Everything has been done. I had a brooch bouquet when I got married and I thought that was unique. ‘Twas not. Want a coloured dress instead of a white one? Been done. Themed wedding in a non-traditional location? Been done. Silent disco? Been done. Food trucks? Been done. Bride doing a speech as well as the groom? Been done. Dog walking your rings down the aisle? Been done.

Sorry to burst your bubble but there is almost nothing that is going to surprise your guests anymore so if that’s your sole aim, I’d forget it. I would also add there are few things more heart-breaking at your wedding to see carefully curated favours left behind at the table or printed programmes trampled underfoot in the rush to get to the free – but not for you - bar. And who really wants to deal with 1,000 digital photos from your wedding day when most of them are variations of the same thing and you have to go through them one by one to tell your photographer which ones to edit?? It’s a no from me.

I realise at this point I’m beginning to sound like a bitter old lady. But no! I assure you (again) that I actually love weddings. What I don’t love is this expectation that people have to bankrupt themselves in order to get one. Most of our ancestors married young and married poor. They hadn’t yet established themselves in their lives or careers so they had simple “weddings” and then their wealth grew as they grew as a couple and the more extravagant things in their lives came later. These days, many couples start off with a spenny wedding and are left paying the bill for years to come.

In 2023, wedding website Hitched did some research and reported that the average cost for a wedding is £18,400. But the actual legal cost of a wedding is around £150 (differs slightly depending on where you are in the UK). Big difference. I think it’s great when people can afford to extravagantly celebrate their wedding day and there’s obviously nothing wrong with that.

I also happen to think it’s important, when committing your love to someone publicly, to do it in front of people who deeply care about you. People who are there to witness and promise to support you in what can be a difficult relationship to maintain (regardless of how in love you are with your future spouse).

But there are weddings and there are weddings and if you find you’re putting off entering into a desired beautiful banner of love and commitment because of a perceived cost barrier, may I suggest you (and I, lol) remember that the marriage is far more important than the wedding. And I’m pretty sure any wedding planner will tell you that an expensive wedding does not equal a happy marriage. All that glitters is not gold.

Tola x

I’m  the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my first book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' (SPCK) is out now.