‘You’re doing better than you think you are’
Here’s why we all need to live on the other side of our feelings
Facts: I’m happy, healthy and I have curated a beautiful life for myself. Feelings: I’m tired, no one loves me and I’m cold.
I laughed to myself when I wrote that last bit because I hate being cold. Some people find it perks them up but honestly unless I’m wrapped up against it like when I’m skiing it makes me miserable (although if you’ve seen me on the slopes in a bikini don’t @ me), and everything around me feels miserable too. I’ve been reflecting rather a lot recently on my life and where I find myself in 2021, and, for the most part, it’s positive. I live by myself, which is something most people never get to do, in a beautiful apartment in a beautiful area of the world. I have the job I studied and prayed for and I am healthy and cancer-free (woo!). But sometimes I wake up, and I just feel terrible. And unless I quickly nip it in the bud, it ruins my day.
I’ve written before about how important it is for me to be intentional right from when I wake up. If I let my feelings override what I know to be true, I would be a mess. As a woman, I used to hate it when my ex-husband would say, ‘Why are you so moody today? Time of the month?’ Arrgh!! But okay fine, he was usually right. Feelings of anxiety, exhaustion and irritability can come during certain days of the month and recognising that as the cause means you can kind of park it and get on with your day. Not that it necessarily goes away, but you’ve turned that feeling into a fact and that means you don’t have to react to it. A speaker called Joyce Meyer puts it like this, ‘I’ve learned to live on the other side of my feelings.’ Move with what you know to be true, not how you feel.
I did this not too long ago after I shot my shot…
At one time it would have been very tempting to play out scenarios in my head based on my feelings around not getting a reply to my message. Feelings based on rejection in the past and feeling low about being single in my 30s. It was harder, but much healthier, to deal with the facts - that I had sent a message to someone and they haven't replied. Not that they might have seen it and ignored it because they thought I was ugly with no hair, or that I had misread the signs. And since the “facts” gave me incomplete evidence to work out what to do with the information I had, I forced myself to just stop thinking about it. Look, I’m not saying this is easy, not at all. For me it means becoming the investigative journalist of my life rather than a tabloid reporter. One looks for facts with which to make logical conclusions and the other looks for information with which to create an emotive story. Some news stories take years to crack because of a lack of evidence. And I think it’s important, like in the case of the non-reply from this guy, to put it aside until I have some.
The workplace is rife with opportunities to feel rubbish about stuff which is often just in our heads. Have you ever sent an email with a friendly sign off and had a reply where someone just puts “Best” at the end? It’s crazy how such a small detail can make me feel like crap. Why don’t they like me? What did I do wrong? But there are lots of realities - maybe it’s an automated signature or they were in a hurry. (Although by the way, if you are one of those people who regularly puts Best, at the end of your emails then we definitely cannot be friends because I personally think that is the most dismissive sign off in the history of the world.)
These feelings of inadequacy can also spill out into areas which should be stress-free zones. I do yoga three times a week in a guided class called MySore. The whole point of the practice is that you learn the sequence bit by bit and then you just get on with it at your own pace as the teacher looks on; adjusting you only where you need it. I’m still a beginner in this class but I have been doing yoga for a few years so I have picked it up quite quickly and I love it. Last week, I thought I was doing pretty well until the teacher came over and gently lifted my arms in one of the poses. I immediately felt embarrassed because my first thought was: ‘I’m terrible at this! This isn’t a difficult posture and I can’t even do this right!’ And then I forgot the next sequence and felt even worse when I had to ask him to direct me, because of course, ‘now he thinks I’m just rubbish!’ Why are we so mean to ourselves?
Obviously I’m not saying feelings are always bad, but when they’re not true and we’re acting out of those feelings… that’s what makes life seem ten times harder. But we don’t have to engage in every thought or feeling we have. Sometimes, I need to counter it in order to get past it. I might need to tell myself in my yoga class that I am proud of my post-chemo body (I can poo in public toilets again because my thighs are strong enough to squat to avoid sitting down) and that I’m still learning and that it is more than okay to get things wrong in class. In the morning when I’m getting dressed I tell myself that I am beautiful and kind and talented. I say, “You are loved and you are loving”, even if I woke up next to my laptop rather than the love of my life.
As a writer, I talk alot about the importance of words, but if you don’t at first have your own, then do ask others close to you to help you speak facts and truth into your life. (Read the chapter on “Love Lists “ in my book for more on this!)
And after all that, yes sometimes you will just be tired and irritable and moody, in which case, mate, get a snack and take a nap. You’ve got this.
Doll x