'Who am I now?'

There’s an identity shift when we can no longer be defined by our jobs, our partners or our children

“So what do you do?” is a question I’ve not been asked in a long time. One of the things The Pandemic (inadvertently via Lockdown) has thankfully shut down is the tedious one-upmanship almost guaranteed at parties, networking events and any gathering of people over the age of 21. 

When I was younger I worked hard to prove myself in my chosen industry - journalism - and took every opportunity to get a byline and see my name in print. That was the goal for 16-year-old me. I have long since achieved that goal and it used to thrill me to answer this newsletter’s opening question with, “I’m a journalist!” and then, “I’m a magazine editor” (more serious, less exclamation marks) and then a few years ago I was able to say: “I’m writing a book.” I won’t lie, when I say it out loud it seems like I’ve ticked a lot of my career boxes. But to have those define me has recently become pretty problematic.

One of my closest friends has just had her fourth child. I’m constantly amazed at her energy and dedication to the four beautiful people she brought into the world. But she has told me before that sometimes she feels as though she has lost a part of herself. The person that existed before her children arrived, and the dreams that young woman had for her life. Who is she now?

When it comes to identity, we look at what we have around us and how we fit into that, and that’s how we describe ourselves. I’m not someone’s wife anymore but I remember when I was first married and took pleasure in flashing around the diamonds on my left hand. Although I would never have answered the question, “What do you do?” with “I’m a wife!”, I was excited to have that added to my identity. It meant that I was lovable, cherished, and wanted. It meant that I was affirmed by someone who chose me, therefore I could affirm myself with that seemingly covetable relationship status.

When we divorced, and I could no longer call myself a wife, I spiralled out of control for a while. They say that in any kind of relationship breakdown, you grieve for the future you no longer have together and I felt that keenly in my most desperate moments. Who was I, now that 1 had become 2? I hated having to fill in forms that wanted to know if I were a Mrs, Miss or Ms (what even is that anyway??). I was none of the above. I was nothing. I was no one.

Gradually I came to terms with my change in relationship status, as we all do when these things happen and I threw myself into my job. I worked really hard to prove myself to management, to my audience and to my colleagues. I craved the accolades and the applause for a job well done. But that was fine because that’s who I was. The journalist, the magazine editor, the author. 

Six years ago, a friend introduced me to hot yoga and I fell in love with it. I’m a self-confessed yogi. At school I played lacrosse and did high jump, hurdles, last leg in relay and 100m. I also went on to be the netball captain in sixth form. I swim, I ski, I surf and in 2020 I was walking a three-hour round commute to my office most days. And up until earlier this year, if I had to wait longer than 3 minutes for any form of public transport, I would head on over to the next stop/station. 

But then I got sick. Very sick. And there have been days in the last five or so months where I could not physically put one foot in front of the other. There were days when I couldn’t even use the toilet without a catheter. And there have been many days where I spent most of my time in bed. I have been signed off from work and even writing this newsletter takes prayer, preparation and persistence. So I’ve been thinking recently that I really don’t know what I’d say in answer to this existential question: “What do you do?” AKA “Who are you?”. Especially now.

But I suppose a forced time of “rest”, like Lockdown and for me now, having to take some time out from what my life has always been, is an opportunity to find out.

Doll x

There’s a whole chapter on identity in Still Standing - 100 Lessons From An ‘Unsuccessful’ Life and I am personally going to have go back and read it! If you also need a recap, Go Read Good Women is holding an event tonight covering these topics - and more - from the book.

Free tickets here.