‘My life is not a rom-com and I’m not sad about it’

Ok so commitment before intimacy is an unpopular opinion in modern society but hear me out

I grew up under a strict “no s_x before marriage” regime and one I took pretty seriously. It wasn’t for me to know that my friends in church were not necessarily singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were. Looking back, I’m glad that this reverse-style peer pressure helped me to avoid sleeping with the boy I was dating when I was 16. Sixteen! I won’t lie, grown up me is kind of repulsed by the idea of a 16-year-old boy being s_xually active. Yuk. I remember at 18 thinking it was kind of cool to be dating a 23-year-old but now, in my 30s I’m like GROSS, I literally have clothes older than that. But these days, s_x, the idea of s_x, and confusing s_x with love is everywhere. I moved away for uni and out in the big bad world, it became harder to abstain, and even harder after divorce where it kind of feels like trying to shut the door after the horse has bolted. What’s the point?

I love s_x, but I have learned not to equate it with love. Which is why I find it bizarre that on our (mainly western) TV screens two people only declare their love for eachother after doing “the deed”. As many of you will know thanks to an admission in an earlier newsletter, I tested out this theory in an IRL situation. I was in the middle of an entanglement romance novels would laud “mind blowing”, when I decided to ask my partner in action whether he loved me. And he said, “Not really.” Not really. Yes, that’s what he said. So far so not Hollywood. Turns out great s_x is not what you need to get that 1 Corinthians 13 energy. 

Recently I watched Ali’s Wedding on Netflix which is described as a Muslim rom-com and it’s easily one of the best films I’ve seen on Netflix - and I’m single so I’ve seen alot . Unlike many popularised rom-coms, the protagonist is a man and the second shock to me was that - and I hate how this is going to sound but I’m trying to be honest here so I’m going to say it anyway - the woman he loves has wonky teeth! And this shocked me because I have been brainwashed by Hollywood (and possibly also by my private dentist) to believe that sparkling white, even teeth are the key to all kinds of success in life - romantically or otherwise. But even more wild is that he tells her he loves her without even seeing her naked! Seriously! Not a single bra strap was exposed in the making of this movie. No morning after the night before coffee in bed scene in which the woman somehow ends up wearing his clothes rather than her own. *Spoiler alert*: They only actually kiss when they agree on a temporary marriage. This, (rightly) puts commitment before intimacy and when I saw that I realised that’s really what’s missing from Western culture. We use intimacy to judge whether we should commit when really it should be the other way around.

I remember hearing people laugh about “promise rings” or “purity rings”, a concept which, in the Christian community, is a commitment to remain abstinent from s_x until marriage. It is also seen as a devotion of your life to God. It’s a weird concept to think about in 2022, when people are often single for years and years and, like myself, have been made single by divorce so it’s like being on a snakes and ladders board but for s_x. In a world where many of us live together with our partners before we get married, the concept of waiting can seem outdated. Like, waiting for what? A piece of paper to show we love each other? But how about waiting until commitment, which has a greater respect for the relationship and its participants. I mean, look, I’m living proof that not all fairy tales end in, well, a fairy tale, so I’m not saying that putting commitment before intimacy is a foolproof method to relationship success. But maybe that extra line of questioning will at least mean you’re both on the same page about what happens next. 

The sad bit about this of course, in my experience at least, is that there are plenty of men who are quite happy to indulge in the intimacy before commitment method. Some of whom will tell you they love you, in the middle of aforementioned intimacy - as my older uni boyfriend did although he later admitted it was fuelled by the passion of the moment. And some will be like my more recent partner, who couldn’t even be bothered to lie (LOL). And you know what? I’ve decided I’m too grown for that nonsense. I want a man who will love me without trashing my obscenely expensive Agent Provocateur on my bedroom floor. I want a man who will love me even if I don’t make my ten dentist appointments a year. Where’s that guy??

That’s what I’m waiting for.

Doll x