‘My friend just died…’

… and I don’t know how to grieve

With Rebecca at a wedding in 2016

I got back from my first (incredible) holiday in two years, only to find that my “mini-me”, my friend’s little sister, had passed away. Rebecca was only just into her 20s and battled sickle cell-related sickness her entire life. I first met her in church when she was about six. With her tiny, slight frame, glossy dark skin and huge eyes; it was a little like looking into a mirror. Only when you looked closer did you notice the bags under her eyes indicating exhaustion and the slight limp with which she walked due to a consistent pain in her joints.

Admiring her nails at church

For context, here’s how the NHS website describes Sickle cell disease:

Sickle cell disease is the name for a group of inherited health conditions that affect the red blood cells. The most serious type is called sickle cell anaemia. Sickle cell disease is particularly common in people with an African or Caribbean family background. People with sickle cell disease produce unusually shaped red blood cells that can cause problems because they do not live as long as healthy blood cells and can block blood vessels. Sickle cell disease is a serious and lifelong health condition, although treatment can help manage many of the symptoms.

Symptoms of sickle cell disease: People born with sickle cell disease tend to have problems from early childhood, although some children have few symptoms and lead normal lives most of the time. The main symptoms of sickle cell disease are:

• painful episodes called sickle cell crises, which can be very severe and last for days or weeks

• an increased risk of serious infections

• anaemia (where red blood cells cannot carry enough oxygen around the body), which can cause tiredness and shortness of breath

Some people also experience other problems, such as delayed growth, strokes and lung problems.

Despite dealing with all of the above, Rebecca was always full of joy and light despite the pain she was often in. Sickle cell is a disease that can rob people of the otherwise fullness of life; what I like to call, that John 10:10 life. In this scripture in the Bible, Jesus says: ‘The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ (NIV)

At my 30th birthday event – yes I said event because it included a fashion show, open mic and after party at a members’ club in central London – Rebecca dressed up in my favourite colours and sang a personalised song for me, on stage, in front of my friends who, to her, were complete strangers. She was always giggling about something and when I was going through my divorce, told me that God had seen her through dark times and would surely see me through that dark period too.

Chanelling strong Madonna energy at my 30th birthday

Celebrating her 13th birthday with ALL the pink

I loved, love her. And it’s unfathomable to me that she longer exists on this earth. On the one hand I am reassured knowing that she believed in a creator God who will receive her when her physical body no longer exists; on the other, it feels so unfair. I want to say “Why her?” But a weirdly rational view might be, “Why not?” With the many advances in technology, we’ve come to expect long life as our birth right. When young people die, it’s a jarring reminder that it’s absolutely not.

If Rebecca had been a public figure, we would have used phrases like, ‘she died before her time’ and ‘a life cruelly cut short’. In my opinion, none of those would be wrong. But the life my darling girl lived was absolutely full. Her mum made the BEST jollof I have ever tasted (and she is Ghanaian while I’m Nigerian so that is saying something), she had a good social life, she travelled, she had great fashion sense (mini-me, remember?) and her hair and make-up skills were on point. Rebecca suffered, but she was more than a survivor and her Still Standing energy was so strong.

I miss her so much and I’m honoured to have known her as my friend and honorary little sister. Death is never easy for the living, and I don’t want to be at all trite, but if there is someone in your life that you are grieving for right now, I pray you’ll find some comfort in the memories you have of your loved ones and can celebrate the life you were able to be a part of.

Tola x