‘Keep on doing brave and beautiful things’

For these are the things that will keep you truly alive.

Brave is rocking up to the office where you work for a very Christian organisation, knowing full well that many would throw you out of church for your apparent immodest dressing.

Keep sending those unsolicited emails to companies you want to work with; keep praying for that relative going through a difficult time; keep around you things and people that bring you joy.

I’ve been fortunate enough to get some proper sun this summer on two trips abroad and though relatively short, both have given me enough time for rest and reflection. On my second trip, surrounded by couples with children who inevitably (and usually accurately) see me as their playmate, I was tempted to mourn my own losses in that area. Very tempted. But divorce and the death of my daughter will not rule the day. Instead, I considered how blessed I am to be forging a new life for myself that is not hindered by overwhelming grief and despair.

I told one of my new friends that I had made the move out of London knowing no one in my new town and with no immediate connections to it. I told them how I had fallen in love with someone new, only a few years after declaring that my ex-husband was the undisputed love of my life (in my early 20s everything felt incredibly final and sure LOL). I shared that I had developed a podcast through my job having zero presenting experience – though I left out that 90-minute cassette tape I recorded after a breakup as a child much too young to be in love anyway, in which I told an invisible interviewer how devastated I was about it, all in an unreliable American accent.

‘Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.’

Brave.

Now on to the beautiful.

Building relationships with the children of my friends - who think we are the same age anyway…

How many times do we dismiss art and the things that do nothing other than cause us pure delight when we look at them? We frequently underestimate the power and influence that beautiful things have on us. One of the things my recent ex and I used to talk about was how impacted we both are by our immediate environment. Like me, he moved to our current town having no connection with it. Unlike me, he had never even been there! He had simply seen it on the map and looked at the images of clean, whitewashed Georgian buildings and wide, tree-lined roads and decided he needed that to be where he resided. We had both relocated – separately - from North London with its narrow streets, looming buildings and constant feeling of dirt and depression. We are both drawn to beauty, perhaps why we used to spend so long just looking at each other; our personal ideas of beauty reflected in the other.

A friend’s child recently commented on my tattoos, of which I have three. One of them, on my left ribcage, is a simple swirl of letters depicting the name my ex-husband and I gave to our daughter: Annie. He has the same tattoo (inspired by mine, might I add) and though mine rarely comes into view, when it does, or is pointed out to me, I am reminded of both bravery and beauty.

Bravery because of that hard time and the time since, when holding my own child in my arm has been surrounded by memories of failure and sadness but to hold another’s child has healed me greatly and helped my heart stay soft. (You can read about this in Lesson 56 in my book, Still Standing – 100 Lessons from an ‘Unsuccessful’ Life on page 125.) And beauty because we gave a name to what we had created together from the love that we had for each other, even though she died, and I think that is important.

Look out for the new video content on @WomanAliveUK on IG with my deputy editor Jemimah.

Creation is often beautiful, don’t you think? On a walk with my ex I looked up at the sky and told him I hope I never stop being delighted by creation. Outside of London I can see the sky and with it the changing landscape of trees and sunshine and cookie cutter clouds.

So my challenge to you, dear reader and friend, is to keep on doing what is brave; keep on doing what is beautiful, and remember to look up.

Tola x

Liked this essay and want to buy me a ☕?

Head to https://www.buymeacoffee.com/toladollfisher and thank you!

I’m  the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my first book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' is out now.