'I'm too easily offended'
Taking everything so personally is a problem and I need to get over it
I’d like to start this essay about being offended by expressing my offence at how my generation has been described (Lol). Apparently we love avocados, we live on social media and if we don’t have a mortgage it is due to aforementioned avo habit. Enter: Millennials AKA Generation Snowflake. Viewed as less resilient, more likely to take offence and generally failing at life:
It is a derogatory term that implies that this generation has an inflated sense of self, deemed as overtly emotional, too easily offended, unable to deal with difference, change and opposing opinions.
Also depicted as a generation with no backbone, no fight, over-sensitive, they think the world revolves around them. [Counselling-Directory.org.uk]
Nice. I’ve never liked being pigeonholed but speaking solely for myself, I do think there might be some truth in how overly sensitive we might have become as a generation. And look, I’m speaking from experience as a Black, Christian woman in 2022; there are plenty of opportunities for me to be so. How could I be offended? Let me count the ways:
If any man in my life asks me if I’m on my period when I’m crying for no reason (how dare he assume that hormones are the reason for my irrational emotional outburst!)
If someone calls me religious instead of a ‘Christ follower’ (so you’re basically calling me a Pharisee!)
If someone tells me I’m lucky that Black people look good with no hair (Ok so I legit think I can be offended at this but I choose not to be!)
So yes, these are real life examples, minor ones, which show just how easy it can be to get annoyed in response to how other people choose to express themselves. In the fruitless search for perfection, I’ve always struggled with criticism - my headteacher even wrote this in my end of school report - and so any vague reference to a trait I don’t (or don’t want to) align with, has been known to have me fly off the handle and straight onto WhatsApp to dump my feelings over an unsuspecting friend. But this consistent default to offence feels like an exercise in self-sabotage.
In my personal experience, unchecked offence can lead to years of lost friendship. I once asked a wise colleague about a confusing email I’d received. I was trying to decipher what the sender meant and I told her about the feedback I’d gotten from other people I’d asked. I was already pretty riled up by the time I got to her, she being the 4th person I’d shared it with (big mistake already but read next week’s essay on that life lesson!) but she didn’t react in the way I expected. When I finally finished my rant, she said, ‘Ok but what do you think about it?’ So far, I’d given a pretty good account of how offended my other advisors had been on my behalf but not much on my own thoughts. My colleague wisely asked me to consider my isolated opinion; my gut feeling. And when I thought about it, I realised that I didn’t actually think the email sender (a friend) meant any harm and that there was probably just a communication issue at hand. I learned then, to try and consider the intention behind people’s words (especially via email) and that often diffuses any offence felt by the delivery.
Years ago, I went with a (now ex) boyfriend to an early comedy show of Jimmy Carr’s. We both loved comedy and although we hadn’t seen much of Jimmy before then, we knew his USP was controversy of the highest order and we expected it. About halfway into the show, he started talking about race and then suddenly, as he scanned the small studio audience, his eyes landed on myself and my fellow Black boyfriend and there was a tiny, almost imperceptible pause as he cleared his throat and re-routed his joke via a less offensive narrative*.
Yesterday, I watched a stand up comedy sketch on Netflix and the comedian made a joke about the male and female genders. The audience was hushed as they (presumably) tried to work out whether laughing at what was clearly a joke in public would result in them being “cancelled” by chance footage that might end up on The Internet. I understand the temptation to feel targeted if we fit into a group that is being made fun of. But on a comedy show? Surely that’s the point?
And okay, it is annoying if we feel like we’re always the butt of a joke, but then, while I do think humans are (currently, mostly behaving like) trash, I genuinely don’t think most people are living their lives trying to piss other people off. As always with these life lessons, I’m sharing things I’m still attempting to master, but one thing I try to remember is this line in Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata: ‘As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.’
They too have their story . Though it may seem racist, misogynistic, or facist - and I’m talking about comments here, not hate crimes - if all we’re going to do is respond with offence, we are potentially causing ourselves undue suffering. And while I detest being called a ‘snowflake’, it is true that I love avocados, (appear to) live so much of my life online and don’t have a mortgage so it would appear my offence might not be quite so justified after all.
Tola x
*These days, I’m glad to see that Jimmy defends his right to be offensive because duh, he’s a comedian; but back then I wondered why he didn’t just follow through.