‘I’m no longer a slave to the 'gram’
A sabbatical from social media has exposed a mental health problem I didn’t even know I had
If you scroll right back to my first picture on Instagram, I’m standing on the Met line with bright pink hair, grinning as I hold my morning coffee. It was in the middle of my divorce but I was still living with my now ex-husband and therefore commuting with him. He took the picture. Previously I had been on Facebook but my friend introduced me to Instagram; ‘It’s basically just photos, you’ll love it!’ was her unnecessary endorsement. Posting to Instagram became a bit of an escape as I shared the many high moments of being single again: fashion week parties, PR launch events, weddings, birthdays and my regular trips to see my contact at Agent Provocateur who probably made all her commission from me and one of the friends I successfully converted. As I carefully curated and posted my life, I saw that the online me was exactly who I wanted to be. Happy, confident, beautiful, witty. Not at all how I felt offline.
Instagram is not my first foray into the online social media space. I am of the MySpace generation and I spent many happy hours designing my page and personal corner of the Internet. I then switched over to Facebook when I started getting email invites to what was heralded as an exciting new platform to stay in touch with old friends. Curious about where my old school friends had ended up, I joined and immediately started connecting with as many people as possible. One of my favourite posts was the one I shared when I got engaged:
‘My boyfriend bought me an iPod, my boyfriend made me a roast, my boyfriend is now my fiancé and of this I have to boast!’
Yes I wrote that, lol. Facebook was fun, until it wasn’t. When we separated, I no longer wanted to see what my ex - or his friends - were doing. Unfriending seemed so extreme but even when I summoned up the courage to do it, FB algorithms still gave me unwanted access into the life I was no longer a part of.
Despite the access to thousands of “friends”, I came off Facebook about five years ago and don’t miss it. But then I still had Twitter and Instagram. Twitter provided the (abbreviated) news feed for me and I got most of my feed from the hilarious “Black
Twitter”. But sometimes I felt disheartened as I read the bitchy comments under the posts about my favourite shows and it started to affect how and if I posted on there at all. I was a “nobody”, with less than 1,000 “followers” and no real influence on the platform. I quickly began to over-analyse everything I wanted to say. Would I be cancelled over it? Would it make people laugh? Would anyone even read it?? That was my biggest fear, that my post would sit there quietly with absolutely zero engagement from anyone. I get the shivers just thinking about it. Twitter reminded me that I was no one and that is not something I wanted to feel about myself.
So I stopped using Twitter and concentrated solely on Instagram. I switched to a business account and learned what my audience liked and engaged with. I beefed with IG for refusing to “verify me” despite the fact I’ve had publicly published by-lines since I was 16 and if you Google me, I’m the only “me” that comes up. I started colour coordinating my feed and scheduled my “spontaneous” stories. When I started getting hundreds of “likes” on my posts I was exhilarated. My following was still low in comparison but engagement was super high and it gave me the same. Each time I posted I would refresh my profile repeatedly as I watched the numbers and comments come in. I couldn’t stop smiling! And then hours later when I finally dragged myself off the app, all I felt was absolute exhaustion.
I decided to come off Instagram last September after paying attention to how it really made me feel. I noticed how low I felt and how fuzzy my brain was each time I used it. I didn’t know if I was happy or sad, I couldn't tell you what I had looked at or what I had seen. It was all just. Too. Much. In the last few months whenever I’ve been out with friends or, last Saturday when I was doing a shoot, people tell me they’ve tagged me in things but I don’t miss it. I even had a complete stranger pull over the other day to tell me they had seen a video of me dancing in one of my new favourite local shops. “Are you Doll?” someone called out from the car. (Lol.) Welcome to the Cotswolds.
Previously, my instinct would have been to immediately log on and re-share the post or story on my own platform. Why? So people can see how much fun I’m having and how cool I am. I recognise how much I was relying on comments and “likes” to affirm me and without it, I’ve had to take a good hard look at myself to work out exactly who I think I am, without any of the noise of social media.
I recently went back on just to check messages and change my profile to private. I breathed a sigh of relief as I signed out and I realised what a burden it has been to have to maintain that persona. I’m a writer not a social media influencer and it’s time I gave up trying to be something I’m not. I may return to the ‘gram in time but then again, a part of me thinks I probably won’t. It’s an unpopular opinion but for now anyway, I’m putting social media on the back burner and making my mental health number one.
Doll x
I think it's important that you recognised what made you feel the way you did about social media. You took the break needed. Recognising it was the pressure you put on yourself. Very honest blog.
I have to say I enjoy social media. I have made connections, and some friendships with some great people and has been a great asset for me where my work as a PR Specialist is concerned. I have shared posts or put up content that I know has helped change people for the better. But maybe I like social media because I joined in my 40s when my personality/character was fully formed so was not too dependent on likes and affirmations from my social media friends/followers. I believe that social media can be a force for good, especially re sharing the gospel and providing opportunities for those not able to get a platform in traditional media, but I am concerned for the teens and young adults who have grown up on social media. It's not always a good place for them to be whilst they our journeying from childhood to adulthood - especially if they are one of the 'unpopular kids' or are bullied.