‘I’m divorced, but I still believe in marriage’

My cousin’s wedding this weekend reminded me of the joy to be found in this much maligned institution

May 17, 2022

People often seem surprised to hear that I want to get married again. I was married for three years, a relatively short time period in most people’s eyes, and it didn’t work out. By that, I mean that it ended in divorce and with that admission comes a lot of assumptions about the kind of person I might have become as a result. That’s fair enough, but do I regret getting married in the first place? Not at all. I still recall the excitement of feeling like I was committed to doing life together with someone I loved and cared deeply about. There was no concern about giving up independence or a hesitancy to be vulnerable with someone else. In my early 20s, I threw myself happily into married life and while it might seem unlikely at the moment, I would do so again.

After my daughter Annie died shortly after her birth in 2012, I deliberately avoided going to baby showers and politely asked my friends if they could leave me out of any plans. Seeing happy living babies that weren’t mine, made me sad for a while and I knew I’d make a rubbish party guest. Instead I made arrangements to visit the family later when it was just us. By contrast, I continued going to weddings after my then-husband and I separated and I was often alone. Friends tentatively asked whether I wanted to invite a “plus one”, in place of my soon-to-be-ex and worried over handmade cards boldly printed with my marital name (which I kept and still use but that’s for another essay…). No one wanted to upset me - which I greatly appreciated - and there was a feeling that I must now hate the celebration of a relationship status I had failed to uphold in my own life. But I didn’t.

After a flurry of hen-dos and weddings in my 20s, invitations have slowed down over the last few years but the delay caused by The Pandemic has resulted in quite a few this year. For my cousin’s this weekend, I accepted the invitation to wear Aso oke which is the special hand-woven fabric worn by the Nigerian Yoruba tribe on special occasions such as engagements, weddings and naming ceremonies. Each representative group choses a particular cloth which is then worn by the family members (and friends) on that side. I was never that fussed about wearing it in the past; if you know me in any capacity, you’ll most likely also know that I like to stand out, not fit in. But in this case, being seen as belonging was a more attractive prospect. It’s weird enough to be single in your 30s at a wedding. People often don’t know where to put you - with married couples alongside one other single person? Or at the kid’s table? There’s already a big problem with society shunning single people but at weddings it can be problematic. So there’s that, and then there’s the divorce label, both of which have me standing out in a way I’d rather not. Wearing the aso oke means people see me and think, ‘Oh, she’s on the bride’s side’, rather than, ‘Oh, she’s by herself and not wearing a ring!’ closely followed by whatever conclusions individuals might then come to.

Belonging is like a buffer to what can sometimes feel like a very hard life. At one point at the reception, the groom’s family surrounded the bride; dancing and singing around her; welcoming her as one of their own. It was incredibly moving and reminded me of the many conversations I’ve had with people who tell me that marriage is ‘just about having your relationship status on a bit of paper’. But it’s not, it’s a lot more than that. If you’re awake during traditional Church of England ceremonies you’ll notice there’s a bit where the wedding officiant asks the guests if they will support the couple in their married life and they’re invited to confirm this by mutual verbal agreement. Marriage is hard because the world we live in is far from perfect and humans can lean towards trash behaviour. When two people decide to throw their lot in with each other, they’ll need a lot of support to keep it going.

But when it works, I can confirm that it is an absolute joy. I have said and will say again that I believe humans were built for connection. Our natural desire to be with one other is not by mistake, and it can be traumatic when this feels like an unfulfilled area in life. Of course for me and for many others who have tried it once and hope to go again, there is the hindsight in knowing that there is a chance it might not work out. But on the flip side, there is a pretty even chance that it will. So in the meantime I am happily hopeful, because a healthy, joy-filled marriage is what I want for myself, but I am also fully supportive of those who invite me to play a small part in maintaining theirs. It’s not why I do it but who knows - one day they might be doing the same for me.

Doll x

CHRIST COUTURE.

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