‘I'm a Christian but looking for a new church is more intimidating than going to a new yoga studio...’

And everyone knows Western yogis are the “mean girls” of the wellness industry

Last Sunday at about 6pm, I was sitting in a room full of strangers. Half an hour later, at the request of one of the men addressing us from the front, I turned first to the man on my right and then the girl on my left, and introduced myself. We all smiled politely at each other and, after a couple of minutes of silence, the man who had given us the task spoke loudly into the microphone to indicate that what is possibly an introvert’s worst nightmare was over. He then sat down and a band started playing and the lead guitarist added some emotive vocals. Where am I? Church.

I never thought it would be difficult to find a church. My new area is full of churches and I’ve been attending since I was about four years old. But then it’s easy to have a sense of belonging when you’ve been attending the same place for years and everyone knows who you are. In my teens I looked after the kids in creche and played in the youth band. I also dated the only boy in the youth group which did not impress our mums and which resulted in them having a full-on, let’s call it an exchange of loudly enunciated words - in church. So everyone knew who I was (like it or not). So wherever I was, church quickly became a bit of a social club. You’d go there on Sunday (or Saturday, as I did for one particular denomination) and catch up with friends and spot the potential new person (read, boy for my teenage friends and I) to engage with.

I realise how sh*tty this sounds; especially for those of you who do not go to church and are wondering what on earth I’m talking about because yes, it basically sounds like a canteen in an American High School. I remember joining the team at a well-known, very large church in central London, and we had to keep the front row of seats free for ....those of you not familiar with church, please take a guess: those with physical disabilities? Those who come early so you fill in naturally from the front and late comers don’t “interrupt” the flow of the sermon? Nope. The front row was reserved for famous guests. The celebrities of the Christian world; invited to give kudos to the sermons and draw a greater crowd. Sometimes I wonder what makes church different from a highly organised and regular concert. Why are we (because I, as a Christian, am part of the problem) like this??

Back to my personal search. It’s funny the things you notice about a place when you’re an outsider. I’ve been to several new churches in the last couple of months and at almost every one, I’ve been flushed with embarrassment as I find myself alone when the congregation is told to “turn to your neighbour and pray with them” or invited to “share your testimony with someone around you”. People inevitably turn to those they have come with or already know. In one church, I looked around but no one caught my eye. I looked up at the pastor who was still on the stage but even he looked away awkwardly. What a nightmare. If I wasn’t already a Christian, it would be a hard pass for me. There’s enough rejection going around in secular spaces, I’m not trying to experience more of that in my spiritual/faith life. Why, even in church does it feel like a punishment to be single?

In my early 20s, I started  a women’s group for those often on the fringe of church circles. Too old for “youth group” but not quite ready to join the traditional women’s groups that focused on tea and toddlers. My then pastor’s wife, who was incredibly astute, would drag me away from my friends during those short conversational intervals in the service and tell me to look out for the women who had come on their own. Her kind and eagle eyes would pick them out and she would make a point of connecting us so that I could intro them to the group. This was such a good example to me of how we should be doing Church. I’m ashamed to say that one of my now good friends told me she came three times to that church and it was only on the third visit that someone spoke to her. She had decided that if no one spoke to her that third time, then she wouldn’t go back. Thank God someone did. Church is not a members-only affair and if we are real about practicing what Jesus preached, then Sundays are an opportunity for us to show Him in action and that involves reaching out to those “strangers” around us.

I’ve likened this to yoga studios because usually, the white, tanned and toned blonde girls with Bali tattoos dominate the yoga scene (in London). Yoga is expensive and therefore exclusive, so the classes can sometimes feel like you’ve stepped onto the set of Made in Chelsea. Outsider syndrome is very real but the last place any of us should feel it is in church.

Doll x