'I no longer want to be a strong, independent woman’

Why the girl power narrative is not all it's cracked up to be

Sometimes I feel a bit lied to by the girl bands I listened to in the 90s. It was all about ‘Girl Power!’ which seemed to indicate women could, and should, do everything by themselves. Then they all grew up, got married and had babies and no one was heralding independence anymore.

However, what I’ve seen now is that we talk about how amazing single women (without the support systems of close family) are, how fiercely independent and brave; not when we want to do what they are doing, but when we would never ever want to go through what they are going through. Having no option but to support yourself as a single person; making your own money, buying your own home, single person supplements when travelling, eating out alone. Yay! You go QUEEN! Girl BOSS! It’s a fist pump to a life many of us would never actually want for ourselves.

I’ve always seen myself as fiercely independent, even while I’ve been in relationships (which may well have been an issue in itself but that’s a story for another newsletter...) It was a badge I wore proudly. I didn’t need anyone to do anything for me. I was capable all by myself. But this metaphorical badge caused me some trouble when I first started going to hospital earlier this year. Before my rather major operation, I was asked who my next-of-kin was. When you’re younger, it usually falls to your parent/s or carer/s. But shouldn’t someone take over that role, when your parents are old enough to have you caring for them? It actually felt embarrassing to have to think about who I could ask in lieu of a partner who would naturally take up that role.

Throughout my life and especially during this time of ill health, people have tried to encourage me by reminding me that I’m a strong, independent woman and that I can get through anything. I’ve always gone after what I want in life and pursued my dreams single-mindedly which, I suppose, has made me look like I have superwoman tendencies. Being sick and needing to rely on other people has never been part of my plan. In fact, had I still been living in London when I fell ill earlier this year, no one would know what I was going through. I would be taking myself to hospital for appointments and treatments and generally trying not to be a bother to anyone.

But after spending almost six months living with other people - not strangers but people I love and who love me back - I’m actually kind of dreading living alone again. I don’t want to wake up without the sound of other people moving around the house. I want to be able to ask, ‘what shall we do this weekend?’. Living alone is a luxury, yes, and people tell me how lucky I am to be able to make my own decisions about everything I do. Which sounds very freeing. But as many people experienced during lockdown, it can also be tremendously isolating.

My friend says that a time of illness is your body trying to get you to pay attention to something and is a good opportunity to consider an appraisal of where you have been going. I’m realising that, while it has been said as a compliment, actually, I don’t want to be independent of people; of a partner, of family or of close friends. I want to be dependent in the most healthy way. 

Is that realistic, in a 21st century individualistic society? I don’t know. But I do think that the  strong, independent woman rhetoric can be extremely damaging for those who feel obligated to pursue that life. And for me, it’s a life that no longer appeals.

But what do you think?

Doll x