‘I may not have my rainbow baby, but I want to pray for yours’
Praying for other people’s children has set me free of the trauma of losing my own
This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week, a period dedicated to raising the profile of losing a baby during or immediately after pregnancy. My daughter died shortly after I gave birth to her almost ten years ago and I remember receiving loads of messages from people wanting to encourage me. Two friends told me they had dreams where I had twins, someone else said I would have triplets. My ex-husband also told me, about six months after we lost Annie, that we were going to have twins. So it seemed like a life with multiples was on the cards, and why not? What a wonderful thing to receive, having lost our precious daughter.
In 2019, I went to the children’s burial ground where her ashes were scattered, for the first time since the tiny funeral her father and I attended, when her little body was cremated. She would have been 7 years old. There’s something about the word 7 for Christians that makes anything with this numerical value really special. According to the first book of the Bible, God created the world in 7 days so there’s a feeling about it being a number of completion. When I finally got to the cemetery (via a slight detour having been asked out by a 23-year-old for an impromptu brunch date) it was a bright sunny day and as I sat down in the beautiful garden, I sensed that God was calling time on my grieving. In 2019, Annie would have been 7, and I felt a gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit that my time of mourning was over. I didn’t know what that meant, exactly, but it felt right and there was a peace about that decision. So while I do think of her from time to time, I no longer mourn her in the way I once did.
The main reason I wrote my book was to present some of life’s journeys from the middle as opposed to the end, which always comes with a hefty dose of hindsight. People told me that I’d get over my ex-husband when I met someone else (‘You have to get under someone to get over someone!’ was the advice I was given…) and that I’d feel better once I had my rainbow baby. My rainbow baby. I held on to this for years after Annie died; even tighter when I was fighting for my marriage and my then husband’s words went round and round in my head: ‘We’re going to have twins, it will be like payback for us losing Annie’. His words keeping my dreams warm. I remember starting a Pinterest board to encourage me. Hundreds of posts with baby names, nursery decor and delightful baby clothes. I loved children, always have. People around me seemed to be having babies left right and centre. One of my best friends has had three children in the years since I have had none. Where was my rainbow baby?
I’d love to end this post with a pregnancy announcement. But that’s not today’s story. In my book I talk about how God helped heal me of the trauma of losing a baby - and no spoilers here so you’ll have to go read it! - and it really was rather miraculous. And then a few weeks ago, I saw an IG post from TV talk show The Real, announcing cast member Jeannie Mai’s pregnancy. Jeannie is in her early 40s and said she never wanted children, but being with her now husband has made her realise she did, just with the right person. It was such a beautiful announcement and there was so much joy in the post. In the comments I realised how much hope her announcement gave to the many, many women who really want children but have been unable to conceive or carry to full-term. It’s devastating. And as I read and shared the post, I suddenly thought; I could be praying for these women. For the record, I fully believe that prayer works - not necessarily to our preferred end but I do believe God is good and answers our prayers. So I love prayer and I love babies...why not make that my focus? I put a call-out on my Instagram and in less than half an hour had half a dozen women share their heartbreaking stories with me along with requests for prayer. By the end of the day I had a list of about 10 women in my notebook and have been praying for them every night since - plus a few more I’ve added along the way. I say this not to announce how amazing I am but to show you how great God is. People told me that the only way to get over my baby loss experience was to have another baby, but God has shown me that the way for me to move forward, was to open my heart up to others who might need that space.
I feel emotional writing this, not for myself, but for those who have tried again and again to hold babies of their own in their arms. My prayer is that one day they will. And if you or someone you know wants to be added to my prayer list, then let me know. It’s not a public list and I’m not a magician but know that every night, I will be praying for you.
Doll x
This is amazing 💔❤️