‘How to make friends and speak to people’

The COVID-19 Pandemic may be in the past but have some of us forgotten how to connect?

In 1936, a teacher by the name of Dale Carnegie released a book with the title How to win friends and influence people. I first heard about it during one of its numerous reprints about a decade ago and according to Wiki, ‘over 30 million copies have been sold worldwide, making it one of the best-selling books of all time.’ (Correctly guess which was the best-seller in the comments and I will give you a prize for your efforts!)

Also according to Wiki: ‘In 1981, a revised edition containing updated language and anecdotes was released. The revised edition reduced the number of sections from six to four, eliminating sections on effective business letters and improving marital satisfaction.’

Hmm, judging by the general state of marital relationships atm, perhaps they should have left that bit in.

So what do you know about this book - have you read it? I haven’t. I admit, despite being a non-fiction writer (for now…) I lean towards fiction when reading for pleasure and am largely put off by thick hardcovers claiming to have an un-pebbled route to success of any kind.  I rather suspect that the large number of people determined to reach this seemingly mappable journey to success, contribute to the ensuing success of authors whose writing fits into this genre.

However, as we can see from the figures above, Dale wouldn’t have been losing any sleep over my (lack of) vote. Over the years we humans have been determined to succeed in our personal and business lives and a handbook for how to do that has been readily devoured. One Amazon review called it: One of those really famous books that more people have heard of then have read, if you are serious about becoming successful in life than this is a must read.

If you are serious about becoming successful. What about if you are serious about just making sure you leave the house once a day or don’t go a week without physical touch from another human being?

No touching please

During the Pandemic, many of us experienced periods of unhealthy isolation and a sense of separation from those we loved (family, friends) and those we didn’t realise we “loved” until they weren’t there anymore (colleagues – and sometimes family and friends). We longed for the days when we could spend as much time together as we liked; inside and outside, and for our fellow humans not to flinch and dart away in disgust if we so much as sniffed or uttered a lightly stifled cough.

Thankfully those days are, for the most part, behind us. But the Pandemic has left a noticeable gap in society because I suspect a lot of us don’t actually know how to talk to each other anymore.

Out, out

I used to be a super socialite. I was forever organising and planning and whether in my personal life or in the office, I loved getting people together. I wrote a column in a regional newspaper for two years when I was a student (bypassing the university version because obvs I was trying to get paid) and I was Vice President of the Nigerian society and Press Officer for various other social events both on and off campus.

I started a women’s group back in my local church that formed the basis of my friendship group in my late teens and early 20s and all my birthday celebrations are known to be extra. So much so that I have a few friends who message me anxiously in April if they haven’t heard anything about my upcoming plans. When I first got engaged, a heap of my friends fell out while fighting over who knew me best and therefore who should get to plan my hen do. When I turned 30, I hired a few rooms at my private member’s club and had a full-on fashion show, spoken word event, dinner and then afterparty.

Where have all the people gone?

Fast forward to now, living alone – albeit in a beautiful part of the UK – and weeks go by where I have little to no interaction with anyone outside of my screens. I barely even talk to my neighbour. Sometimes I’ll go out for a coffee and when the barista asks me what I want, I’ll struggle to get my words out because I haven’t used my voice out loud yet. Self-checkout counters don’t help with this lack of socialisation either. (Although a trick if you find yourself bereft of conversation, is to pick up alcohol, sink unblocker or paracetamol so a real-life person has to come over to approve your purchases.)

On a Zoom call (ofc) with a new business mentor recently, we talked about how hesitant we have both become towards meeting new people. His work has always involved a hefty amount of networking and for years he has entered rooms of hundreds of people knowing no one and left with a brand new wedge of business cards and contacts. In my role as journalist and editor, I have to connect with new people almost every day and for the most part, I have really enjoyed getting to find out about the lives of others and finding common ground. We both admitted that these days, we try and avoid these experiences if we possibly can.

And even though I know I should get off my bum and meet people IRL, I defer, much too often, to simply slotting in meetings that add to my screen time.

I’m annoyed at myself when I do this because deep down, I know the health benefits of spending time with other humans, but somehow, I have become far more introverted than I would like. I have forgotten how to do small talk and no longer feel as confident bouncing into a room where all faces turn to me as the stranger. Yikes, shuddering just thinking about it. (Though… perhaps if I had a million pounds in my bank account and better clothes, I would be more inclined.) But in the absence of which; FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) has now turned to FOGO (Fear of Going Out).

I end this essay with a call for a new book for a confused generation because How to make friends and speak to people is something I would definitely purchase.

Online, obviously.

Tola x

I’m  the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my first book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' (SPCK) is out now.