‘Goodbye cancer, hello joy’

I’ve been “still standing” for almost a decade, it’s time for a new season

As part of the collaboration with my book - Still Standing - 100 Lessons From An “Unsuccessful” Life, I worked with personalised jewellery company, Florence London, to create limited edition bangles with Still Standing engraved on the outside*. I wore mine constantly and it has been like a badge of honour. In my book I talk about all the things I’ve done and experienced, without ever having them affirmed by an outsider. I have never won an award for my writing, nor do I have letters after my name, which give those in the medical profession so much kudos. My first, precious (to me!) and hard-won book has not become a bestseller. I do not have thousands of followers on social media like so many of my peers. There is a sense that what I have done and achieved, is not enough. And this is why I used the word “unsuccessful” in the title. The bangle, I suppose, serves as an award for making it in mid-life. For being there, standing up in the midst of it all.

A few weeks ago I made a new friend and when I heard some of what she has experienced, I felt like crying. Because I am a classic oversharer, people often find they can share their own stories with me and I’m often so in awe of how resilient people are. Suzie has a public platform and at the end of one of her recent one-woman stand-up shows at Crazy Coqs in London, she openly shared some of her battles with the audience. There was a shocked silence as she spoke and I remember thinking, ‘I need to give Suzie my bangle.’ 

I’ve been in a storm for a long time. I wrote the book because at the time, no one else was writing about the middle of the journey. People talked about having been single, when they were finally married. They talked about addictions, when they had overcome inner demons. They talked about baby loss, when they were celebrating their rainbow baby. And I remember just thinking, well what about those of us who aren’t there yet? And what if we never get there? I wondered what it said about us and about God, if He was only good and we were only good, at the end of each journey. So I fought through my own insecurities and uncertainty about the future, to write a book about what life is like, right in the midst of the struggle. Still Standing was born out of a wish to open up conversations about the before you meet the love of your life; have a baby; write a best-selling book. Before there’s an award which legitimises your struggle and lets the world know that God has answered your prayer. So I handed the Still Standing bangle to Suzie like an award. It was me saying to her, ‘You know what, well f*cking done!’ And it was a baton of support, empathy and love. You’re here, you’re alive, you’re still standing.

When I told my oncology team that I was giving up chemotherapy before the final cycle, there was uproar. And there were many well-meaning messages of concern from dear friends. But I had peace about my decision and it was the peace that enabled me to share it even before we could see the outcome. It was like a commitment to the transparency of the journey I introduced by writing my book. The ‘I’m not there yet but “there” is still somewhere’. Last Tuesday I had a call from my oncologist to give me the results of my recent blood test. It has been about 10 weeks since my last chemotherapy treatment and they wanted to check for evidence of cancer cells in my body. For a normal, healthy person, they would expect the marker to be 6. My doctor felt that because I stopped treatment before I had finished their recommended number of cycles, the number would be high, showing that my decision had been detrimental to my health. Before the major operation I had earlier this year to remove a large tumour, the marker showed a numerical value of more than 30,000. The lowest mine has been is around 300, back in summer, following the removal of the tumour. It then jumped up to 1,000 about two months after the operation and led to the advice from my team to start chemotherapy. As I listened to my doctor I knew I was holding my breath; knowing but not knowing, that God had healed me. Then she told me the results from the recent test: 6.9!!! Basically normal! And I was overwhelmed with joy and peace. The joy and peace that had somehow been there right in the middle of the situation, before I knew the outcome. Because I trusted Him. 

And I realised that when I gave Suzie my bangle - before I knew what I know now about my health - I was personally moving from a place of still standing, to joy. Because this year has been about trusting God more than ever before. Of following even when I didn’t understand. Of completely living this scripture in Romans 15:13 which says, ‘I pray that God, the source of all hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.’

I’m beyond thrilled to share with you these results and I am beyond grateful for every prayer and gift and hug and words of comfort and love. To be living with such joy is a hard-worn badge that I am proud to unveil. It’s the result of a seed that has spent a long time growing. It’s a new season and it’s a wonderful place to be.

Doll x

*To purchase the limited edition Still Standing bangle, email: hello@florence-london.com