‘Do you know who you’re dating??’

Women especially - please start doing background checks on your partners. (Lol but seriously)

Is anyone else obsessed with Reddit? I know I’m late to the party (I usually am, it’s kind of my thing…) but I can’t get enough of the stories ranging from people genuinely asking, “Am I the a-hole?” to insane relationship dilemmas. I don’t actually read on Reddit; I get the stories second hand via podcasts who do the digging for me and pull out the best and craziest examples of humanity. If you ever get to the point where you think you’ve heard it all, I guarantee you, Reddit will quickly assure you that you haven’t.

But for now, I want to focus on the relationship dilemmas. Some of the things I hear on there are wild. First of all, I’m shocked at the things people put up with, but also, these people whose behaviour leaves Reddit users and pod listeners like me open mouthed with astonishment, go on to have other relationships and have also been in relationships previous to the one that gets aired – albeit anonymously - on the internet. And it made me wonder, who’s gonna tell them?? Who’s gonna tell the next partner that this person has exited their previous relationship with toxic traits that they are still happily carrying?

Not one of my exes.

Years ago, the new girlfriend of my ex reached out to me to ask about our relationship. She said she could see he still loved me and she just “wanted to chat”. Because I have no boundaries (though I’m better now, I promise) I said, ‘Sure!’ and we arranged a time and a date to meet up. When one of my friends found out, she quickly put paid to that connection and said while she could see why New Girlfriend wanted to suss me out, she questioned what exactly was in it for me? I couldn’t answer that one, other than a morbid curiosity to see what my replacement looked like. Looking back and in that particular situation, meeting up would have been a bad idea.

However! That’s not to say I wouldn’t appreciate a heads up about a future partner from someone who knew him well. I’m not talking about what socks he likes wearing or favourite s_xual positions. But what is he like? How does he respond to difficulty and adversity? How does he handle conflict in a relationship? How does he behave when his partner or children are sick? Does he have a healthy balance with friends or work or hobbies? Is he addicted to his phone? Does he watch porn? Because these are the things no man (or woman) is revealing on any number of first, second or third dates. Especially if he suspects you might be averse to some of his preferred habits, or he knows he’s punching and doesn’t want to scupper a chance with you.

DISCLAIMER: Some of you may have spotted that this is not the music I was dancing to but this was in the middle of a shoot and I wasn’t in charge of the playlist so let’s just say it wasn’t like, holy holy…

Of course, it’s possible people change but when Reddit revealed that there is a man out there (at least one) whose family tradition is that his father checks his partner’s hymen to make sure it is still intact in a ceremony with the uncle and brothers watching (no, not a joke) and men who will strategically use chivalry to turn high-flying but lonely career women into submissive housewives… I’d like to know your history please.

Thankfully, I’ve not encountered any real horror stories in my dating life but then I don’t have a lot of patience these days so unless I’m in love with you, I’m not putting up with any shit.

What’s your wildest dating story? (Hopefully it’s not your current partner but bonus points if it is and you’re just riding the wave of crazy by choice.)

Tola x

I’m  the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my first book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' (SPCK) is out now.