Now that you’ve got your new house? Now that you’ve got your promotion? Now that you’ve got your engagement ring? Now that you’ve got a puppy? Now that you’ve got your new car? Now that you’ve got a baby? Now that you’ve won what you were watching on eBay? Now that you’ve been affirmed at work? Now that you’ve been verified on Instagram? Now that you have 100k followers? Are you happy… now?
Following the release of my book, Still Standing – 100 Lessons from an ‘Unsuccessful’ Life, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching around the idea of happiness. What does it mean to be truly happy? I remember back when I was writing under Christ Couture (love God love fashion love life - *cringe* but I started it when I was 19 so give me a break) one of my posts shortly after marriage was entitled: Who Stole My Joy? I was married to my best friend, we had a beautiful home in a lovely part of the country, I had just had my first piece published in Company magazine and I was finally able to have as much s_x as I wanted – and was absolutely doing so. So what, you might ask, was my problem??
I was finally able to have as much s_x as I wanted – and was absolutely doing so. So what, you might ask, was my problem??
The short answer is, I don’t know. I didn’t know then and I sure don’t know now. I had grown up being told a fairy tale about how life goes. Tick boxes equal tick boxes in your heart; happy happy happy! Except they don’t. To be fair to my newly married self, there were a lot of things that could have contributed to my lack of happiness. These include my mum boycotting my wedding (followed by my siblings) and what I only realised later was a heightened sensitivity to my husband’s deep sadness about life in general. It definitely wasn’t all roses. In fact, there weren’t any roses because I had told my husband in no uncertain terms that I thought flowers were pointless so he was under strict instruction to only buy me shoes and lingerie instead. (Which to his credit, he did.)
But happiness takes much more work than flowers, shoes or lingerie. And no, you didn’t misread that, I said work. At the end of my favourite piece of writing, Desiderata, author Max Erhmann finishes with, ‘Strive to be happy’. Strive. Not hope or expect or assume but strive. And strive we must, because there is so much in the world that would cause us to be the opposite. In the Bible we read,
Lord, what are human beings that you care for them, mere mortals that you think of them?
They are like a breath; their days are like a fleeting shadow.
(Psalm 144:4)
because we’re in such a consumer and content hungry society, our emotions seem to be moving at a much speedier pace
Do you ever think about how, when we’re younger, we’re in such a hurry to grow up? But as we get further into adulthood, we want to slow down the ageing process. Life does go by pretty fast. And because we’re in such a consumer and content hungry society, our emotions seem to be moving at a much speedier pace. The thing that gives us the endorphins we link to happiness might be forgotten days or even hours after acquiring it. My beautician has just moved into one of the most beautiful houses I’ve ever seen. It has floor to ceiling windows, en-suites to every room and a huge kitchen, original stone floors and a massive Aga. I was at her old place when the mortgage was approved and she and her partner were literally dancing with joy. When I visited her last week, she told me the heating wasn’t working and the roof need re-tiling. She was super stressed and I could see how heavy the weight of this once-desired gift was becoming. Happy had pretty much turned to sad.
A recent phrase I’ve started using is, ‘Everything has its thing’. And by that I mean, most things have some sort of weight attached to it. And it’s not that that devalues it necessarily, but it does mean that “happy” as pertains to most things comes with an expiry date. Houses = maintenance, puppies = picking up poop, promotions = more meetings (God save me from ever having more meetings in my life) and so on and so forth.
But there’s nothing wrong with being happy! I like being happy! And even if you can’t maintain it, those fleeting moments are absolutely worth it! But in my opinion, they last longer if you take note of them.
So when were you last really happy? And to go back to my original question, are you happy now?
Tola x
Still Standing - 100 Lessons from an ‘Unsuccessful’ Life is available on Amazon and all major bookstores. If you want to support your local independent bookshop - ask them and they can get it in for you.
More about me here.
Thought: Happiness is variable & often fleeting because it is about 'happenings'.
Joy however is more enduring & stable being a 'state of mind '......?