'What is the lie you've been telling yourself about who you are?'
'What is the lie you've been telling yourself about who you are?'
As we thinketh so we shall be-eth - or something
The other day, as I sped down a windy, hilly road in the Cotswolds, I congratulated myself on neat navigation of every twist and turn, avoding gas-guzzling Rovers, rickety Landies, the odd tractor and the occasional gaggle of livestock. I have always been a good driver and an offhand comment from my mother that women are usually considered bad drivers made me determined to be a great one. I had less than 20 lessons and passed first time when I turned 21 (with about 11 minors haha so only just but still, a pass is a pass!). I probably would have passed earlier but my Pops said he would only buy me a car when I’d finished uni so, in the same way that I’m spurred on by deadlines, I lined up my lessons and both theory and practical exams for this specific birthday in mind.
And while it was slightly nervewracking, I was entirely convinced I could do it
I temporarily stopped driving post-divorce as I moved from the countryside back to London and had less need for a car. During that time, aside from a few occasions when I hired a car, and when I drove in France (once taking a roundabout the wrong way around) during my ski season, it was about six years until I got behind a steering wheel again. And while some might make a post-hiatus car journey a quick one in order to get used to it again, not moi. That maiden-ish voyage took me from the outskirts of London (Henley) to the South West of the UK - a journey of about 80 miles each way - and I had never driven in either area before. And while it was slightly nervewracking, I was entirely convinced I could do it; and I did.
It is with this same energy that I soon after embarked on a journey from the Cotswolds to London during a snow storm in a tiny 1.4 litre Hyundai. Yes, German engineered cars were sliding all over the place around me (Psalm 91:7* etc), but it took being in standstill traffic for almost an hour before I turned my little runner back; mainly due to impatience than a sense of the unachievable.
However, I do not have that level of apparent hubris in other areas of my life
Why am I banging on about cars? You might ask. Well, it’s not so much about cars, but about the narrative I have in my head about me as a driver. I don’t pretend to know about what’s going on under all the metal (I’m a lazy princess in that area and happy to let a trained professional do their job) but I can drive a car and I am confident in my abilities to do so. However, I do not have that level of apparent hubris in other areas of my life.
Amazingly it might seem, I am currently dealing with imposter syndrome in the area of my writing. Despite this being my actual job, I want you to know, dear Reader, that I struggle many times I sit down to get my thoughts down whether its for work or for these essays. It’s why writing my next book has been such a struggle. I realise that despite my medium levels of “success” in this area, I still don’t have that confidence that I Am A Writer.
So what is the lie you’re telling yourself? Is that you’re not good at something? Or that you’ll never be able to do something? My ex-boyfriend and I would deliberately watch out for instances where the other might say something like, ‘I always…’. Because assigning yourself a narrative you don’t want could mean you end up heading in that very direction. (Proverbs 18:21 and Mark 11:23 are biblical examples of this - if you need Christian conviction.)
I don’t want those things to become a part of me
On another personal level, this is probably why I’ve rejected being called a ‘cancer survivor’ and this is a very very personal thing so please don’t take this out of context for another conversation it was not intended for.
I’ve always been sporty and healthy and it is important to me to keep that narrative for myself. I personally, need to know that my default is the latter and not to feel defined by my experience with the c word. I feel the same about being a divorcee and having lost our daughter after birth. Every time I write about it, though I know there’s a reason to still be sharing those experiences, I kind of roll my eyes a little at myself. I don’t want those things to become a part of me; what I am known for and how I think of myself.
So what am I trying to lean into for my personal narrative? Oh just that I’m a writer and a hot girl regardless of whether I find myself in summer or winter.
I’ll let you know how that goes.
Tola x
*Psalm 91:7 reads: ‘A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.’
Ps Thank you to my darling friend John for inspiring this conversation.
I’m the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my first book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' is out now:
